TW: Eating disorder, sudden loss  

I begin with one of my favourite quotes I found when I first connected to the Gifted communities and for the first time in my life felt seen, then mirrored. I hold it close in mind as I live out my life. It reminds me that there can be deep meaning even in a complex existence, when you open yourself up to nuance:

In my darkest night,

when the moon was covered

and I roamed through wreckage,

a nimbus-clouded voice

directed me:

“Live in the layers, 

Not on the litter”

Original portion of quote by Stanley Kunitz

Gifted Mindfulness Collective (reshared portion above)

I came to Australia due to sheer luck, a leap of fate, a networking opportunity, a chance. But I presented as a half-drawn figure. Perhaps I was then. Behind an inconspicuous nod, a smile, a handshake, stood the unseen fuller picture, a then undiagnosed neurodivergent human, someone with a history of Anorexia Nervosa, a lot of self-esteem issues, self-doubt and great losses to come.

In this blog, I share my journey as a PhD student and Research Assistant navigating the pressures of academia alongside identity struggles and multiple forms of grief, including disenfranchised grief. This includes the loss of identities I once held: the identity tied to my PhD when I withdrew, my athletic identity I lost during my eating disorder, and discovering I was neurodivergent in my adulthood. I also endured the tragic and traumatic deaths of my partner, also an academic, from metastatic cancer within 4 months, and my sister, that same year, in a hit-and run accident, which led me to grapple with cumulative and complicated grief. I reflect on what helped me move forward and begin to find myself in a secondary integration, after profound loss, amidst a layered and complex existence. 

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