Stepping into a new country to pursue an onshore PhD as an international student with an anxiety disorder is an adventure filled with lows and highs. As I moved from India, to Brisbane, Australia, the stark differences in culture, academic structure, and climate were only a few of the many challenges I encountered in the first two months of my arrival. Alongside my eagerness to explore numerous academic opportunities, the fear of missing out and the pressure to quickly adapt triggered waves of anxiety within me.

In this blog, my aim is to candidly share my multi-faceted experiences and their impact on my mental health. Through personal anecdotes, I aim to shed light on the specific challenges that diasporic South Asians with anxiety disorders might encounter when embarking on a journey to a foreign country, like Australia. I believe that by highlighting these issues, we can foster understanding and empathy, creating a supportive space for those who face similar challenges. Moreover, I endeavor to offer practical strategies that helped me navigate the overwhelming on-arrival anxiety, providing fellow international students with anxiety disorders with valuable insights to ease their transition and embrace their academic journey with confidence and (hopefully) some resilience.

The Overwhelming Newness: Uncertainties and Challenges

My first day in Brisbane was a mix of emotions as I navigated the foreign environment. The silence at my new department contrasted sharply with the warmth and familiarity I had left behind in India. As I walked into my office on the 3^rd floor, I felt a bit lost, and I found myself isolated at my desk, surrounded by empty ones. Eating alone and struggling to grasp the new accent (through the occasional “Hi-s” at stores) and cultural norms further intensified my restlessness.

As an international student, uncertainties loomed large in various aspects of my academic journey. Administrative hurdles, academic roadblocks, difficult peer interactions, and concerns regarding what social/academic groups were worth joining presented challenges that needed to be navigated thoughtfully. My therapist advised me to address these uncertainties with care, but even with my best efforts, some remained unresolved. As someone dealing with functional depression and generalized anxiety disorder, I consistently strive to give my best efforts. However, there are days when I push myself too hard, leading to frequent breakdowns. Without taking mindful measures, which I will discuss in the following paragraphs, I tend to get triggered by minor challenges at work or in my personal life, often displaying symptoms of anxiety. 

Cultural Differences

Indeed, the Australian culture was very different to India, and perhaps, I was quick to judge as well. It seemed to me that Aussies liked to keep to themselves, commencing their day early and concluding it swiftly without indulging in much talk, especially with colleagues. They seemed to relish private time with their families during the weekends. South Asian work cultures are typically not the same; we seek to create a homely ambiance even at work, blurring the lines between professional and personal life. We are known for our strong camaraderie within the workplace, engaging in chit-chats, exchanging greetings, and forming deep connections. But I often thought to myself whether this stereotypical divide was even true? I didn’t know any better at the time. 

Being a South Asian, I often felt eager to extend a friendly “Hi” and make plans to hang out with my workmates, engaging in meaningful conversations to ‘fit in and belong’. Although some people were kind enough to reciprocate my enthusiasm, my efforts were often met with disinterest or rejection. While there was pressure to adapt to this new culture, I also longed to feel like I belonged, as it usually helped with my overall productivity. However, initially, I didn’t succeed in this endeavor. 

So, I found comfort seeking refuge among the familiar faces of “known” strangers rather than approaching the “unknown” ones. To address this situation, I began trying to connect with more South Asians in general and Indians in particular. Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on my side, and it didn’t seem to work either. It wasn’t an Indian or an Aussie thing after all; the cultural divide was not true. People are simply busy, and I, as a person with anxiety, am more often than not bound by my thoughts. I yearned for someone to provide me with a checklist or insights into what the future held for me, how things worked in the department, and the processes I needed to follow. Having such a structure would greatly help me, as uncertainty tends to unsettle my sense of calm. But I didn’t know how to connect, or what to say. 

Other Challenges

There were also some administrative challenges. For instance, simple tasks like connecting my laptop to the monitor and printer became quite complicated as I didn’t know anyone who could assist me. I would get too overwhelmed by everything. Additionally, on the work front, I was focused on restructuring my thesis chapters, which required concentrated effort, with me sitting in one corner of the room. However, I faced difficulties in maintaining long hours of reading and writing, as my thoughts wandered in various directions, making me less productive.

The freedom that comes with pursuing a PhD allows one to choose their own working hours, styles and location. Many of my colleagues were working from home, and it appeared that the general visible population at the university was further reduced during the winter break. Personally, I find working in a library or at office with people most conducive to productivity. Unfortunately, the lack of colleagues around left me feeling unmotivated to go on campus. I found myself spending entire days in bed at least two or three times a week. I began to think that maybe I needed more support than others, leading me to believe that it was my fault, so I chose to keep to myself and didn’t reach out to anyone initially (barring a few times when necessary).

After a few weeks of alternating between productive and unproductive periods, I realized that I needed to find ways to keep myself motivated. Joining both academic and non-academic groups seemed like beneficial options. However, with numerous groups available at my university, I had to be selective. Simultaneously, I had to manage my thesis commitments, and avoid distractions that could divert my focus. Despite this clarity, I struggled to make a decision as the choices overwhelmed me.

This situation is what I call ‘fear of missing out,’ which created a contradictory situation. On one hand, I had to prioritize my PhD work, but at the same time, I yearned to feel like I belonged to the university community. Amidst the personal challenges I was facing, such as issues back home, an untreated ligament injury in my foot, an unstable housing situation, and a long wait for my relocation grant that left me penniless for the first two weeks, I could feel a looming breakdown approaching.t

And probably in the third week of arriving in Brisbane, a minor issue with my mother acted as a trigger leading me to my first breakdown. I felt weak, unmotivated, wanting to go back to where I belonged. I had to go for an emergency session with my therapist who was kind enough to provide support from back home. We dissected each problem one by one, took some time to discuss priorities, and revisited the medicines. She asked me to have my work and post-work hours more defined, and to make sure I included activities I would enjoy. The session left me feeling more oriented. I tried to put down my priorities and tried to be in better control of my life.

The Transition

During the next week, I tried to push myself to speak to this one colleague who sat in the room next to me, completely empty and dark as well. She had arrived much before I did but had the same issues. This was the beginning of a small little friendship—something that could help me go to the department more often and away from my bed. Slowly, I spoke to some other colleagues as well—all were from different cultures—but somewhere what connected us was that we were all PhD candidates struggling to manage work-and-life, thesis, and writings. My priority was  PhD work and health at the time. I decided to walk 10 thousand steps every day and go for walks in nature, which was something that helped me manage my panic attacks. Further, I decided to join a dance class on one of the weekdays and bought some cool stuff from Daiso and Kmart with the help of my lovely housemate, to paint during the weekends.

To manage the overwhelming anxiety, I learned to take things one day at a time, planning my activities to regain a semblance of control over my life. Daily journaling, gratitude practices, and staying connected with my loved ones proved to be invaluable in preserving my mental well-being. Engaging in activities like dancing, painting, and pursuing personal creativity helped distract my mind from anxiety. Looking at my struggle, these are the steps I would recommend international folks with anxiety disorder to follow for a couple of months into their stay in a new country:

Choose Wisely. When it comes to commitment, personal, professional, or administrative, think about how much time you can dedicate to each aspect and then decide. Don’t jump into something just because you have a fear of missing out or you feel anxious and lonely when you first arrive. Respectfully find time with colleagues and faculty to discuss the levels of commitment each of these activities will entail and work backwards from there.

Continue and prioritize therapy. Although I initially ignored it for the first two weeks, I soon realized it should have been my first priority after I experienced a collapse. It’s essential not to wait for a breakdown to occur before seeking therapy; instead, I recommend starting it right away. Therapy can help us maintain focus on our priorities and establish a structure to cope with the overwhelming state that often arises for individuals with an anxiety disorder. Counselling services became an essential support system, complementing my therapy back in India.

Understand that a lot can be lost in translation, don’t be quick to judge. Cultural differences, PhD or personal crises may cause people to behave differently from what you are accustomed to. I made a mistake of stereotyping people from other cultures. We as humans are quick to judge. Let things pass and allow people to be themselves. Make measured efforts to connect with others, smile, and say hellos based on your understanding and the cultural norms you have learned. Remember, their response is not your fault. They might be preoccupied with work crises or simply indifferent. It took me a few rejections and many unreturned smiles to realize that I can only control my own gestures, actions, and attitude.

Be patient with yourself and others. I came to realize that my impatience was often fueled by anxiety and an obsession with planning every detail for the future in an attempt to reduce my unease. However, I learned that it’s important to acknowledge that not everything can be controlled or predicted, especially when we are in new environments. Sometimes, it is perfectly okay to let go and allow things to unfold naturally, trusting in the flow of the universe.

Managing The Anxiety

Here are a few anxiety navigation techniques my therapist recommended, which I now pass on to you. Keep in mind that what worked for me might not necessarily work for you, but it’s certainly worth giving it a try:

1. Maintain a daily journal to reflect on thoughts and experiences.
2. Cultivate gratitude to focus on the positive aspects of life, while staying connected with loved ones, even during challenging times.
3. Engage in a dance class or other physical activities to distract from anxiety and immerse yourself in something enjoyable.
4. Avoid comparing your work to others; instead, focus on your unique journey.
5. If you have a creative inclination, make time for artistic activities like painting, cooking, or traveling.
6. Refrain from making decisions when emotions are heightened; instead, take time to process and gain clarity.
7. Prioritize your goals and remind yourself of your purpose to stay focused on what’s within your control, rather than dwelling on external factors.

Conclusion

In closing, I would like to end by reiterating that embracing the unknown terrains as an international student with anxiety disorder has been both challenging and transformative. By sharing my experiences and strategies, I hope fellow international students with anxiety disorders can feel empowered to face their academic journey, knowing some of the hurdles I faced along the way. Through gratitude practices, therapy, and creative activities, I allowed myself to have better control of my time, navigated uncertainties, and found support. In my opinion, my journey highlights the importance of seeking help, connecting with peers, and prioritizing mental well-being.

I must highlight that my fight is still ongoing, so I am uncertain if what works for me now will continue to work in the future, as there will be new challenges. Nevertheless, through this piece, I hope to convey that feeling overwhelmed, unproductive, and struggling with self-worth as a PhD fellow in a new country is normal. However, it’s important to remember that we are not alone in this journey. While challenges may appear daunting, finding a supportive community and engaging in self-care practices can pave the way for personal growth and positive change.

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