Tag: PHD STUDENT

Navigating the Labyrinth: On Chronic Illness, Graduate School, and Finding Wholeness by Laura Dickey

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Working towards your PhD while grappling with chronic mental and physical health conditions… well, sucks. Graduate school is often depicted as a training ground for intellectual growth, a hallmark of academic rigor providing access to a playground of ivory towers. For many, it’s a demanding but ultimately rewarding journey. However, for those of us navigating graduate school while grappling with chronic health conditions, the experience can be a labyrinth of unexpectedly demanding challenges. 

My own journey as a PhD student in Philosophy has been profoundly shaped by my experiences with Bipolar Type II Disorder and chronic pain. While graduate school has tested my resilience, it has also given me a new perspective on community, self-worth and the journey of coping in the face of adversity. This post explores how these experiences have influenced my academic development, pushing me to redefine success in my own terms. Ultimately, I hope to share a lesson that has been critical to my journey: authentic participation in community can create profound feelings of wholeness and belonging, providing an anchor for stability amidst the demands of academic life.

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Persisting and Prevailing: Part-time PhD Study Through a Pandemic by Anonymous

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Before the Covid-19 pandemic, I went straight from redundancy and burnout to a full-time research masters, then embarked on a full-time PhD. I was regularly commuting between cities to have separate, quiet study space and returning home as my place of rest, as I’m neurodivergent and need the structure of separating studying and home life. 

Nevertheless, the burnout was lurking and around a year into the PhD, I decided I needed to go part-time. I scoured the funder and university policies, then referred to the sections on part-time study to help make my case. One supervisor questioned if I wanted to continue with the PhD. Without hesitation, I responded emphatically “yes”. Finding something difficult is not the same as not wanting or being unable to do it, and the easiest way is not always the best way. I had secured this opportunity to research the only topic I would have pursued, and I was not prepared to let it go.

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Navigating Anxiety in an Experimental Lab: Personal Growth and Peer Support by Janaky Sunil

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When people think of someone pursuing a PhD, they often focus on the prestige and intellectual fulfilment associated with earning the degree. For the students themselves, however, the journey is frequently remembered as a continuous obstacle course, with many never reaching the end. Statistics underscore this reality, with studies suggesting that 33% to 70% of PhD students ultimately leave before completing their program. A recent paper in Frontiers of Psychology enlists the various factors that contribute to these outcomes, leading to notable differences across institutions and countries. The academic culture in the nation of study and more specifically the institution plays a significant role in determining the work environment. Additionally, the quality of mentorship, the complexity of the research project, and the stability of funding are all pivotal. Combined, these factors result in the fact that even for those who do complete their PhD, the process often takes much longer than anticipated.

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Completing a doctorate after the onset of a chronic illness: Finding a new way of being by Stacey Anwin

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TW: Domestic Abuse

A long time ago (nine years, in fact), I was strong, energetic and capable. I was always active. 

Five days a week I taught at a nearby university. Three times a week, I scaled walls at an indoor climbing gym. Twice a day, I walked my three large dogs. On the weekends, I repaired the house and maintained the yard, going to performances at the Cultural Centre at night. 

Like many casual academics, my work was tenuous, based on semester-long contracts. Like many others, I found immense joy in guiding and supporting my students. I poured enormous amounts of intellectual and creative energy into designing and producing teaching and learning materials. I saw many casuals move away into often unrelated full-time positions over the years. Yet I stayed, justifying this decision as much to myself as to others, based on the amount of holidays (that is, weeks without pay) I got. 

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Returning to Your PhD studies Following a Bereavement by Hema Chaplin

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TW: Death and family bereavement

My father was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer, just as I was completing my Health Psychology Masters, and just before I found out I had been successful in being awarded PhD funding. It is well known that doing a PhD can be challenging for mental health, but this diagnosis meant that things were going to be even harder for me. For the next five years, I experienced a mix of extremely stressful life experiences at the same time: undertaking a PhD, being a caregiver for Dad, his death, and the grief that followed. 

I hope that by sharing the good and the bad parts of my experience in this blog, including suggestions about how to make the process easier, it might help others get through the process of returning to their PhD and experience the joy that this finally brings. 

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Doing a PhD with OCD by Isabelle Berrow 

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Write a sentence. Delete it. Write a sentence. Delete it. Why isn’t it good enough? What am I missing? Maybe I need a break – go downstairs, get a drink. Turn the light off, check the door’s locked. Check it again. Sit down to try and write again, delete it. Try again. 

The constant cycle that occupied my mind, every second of every day. 

I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) my whole life, even if I refused to admit it. I had to have two of all my stationery, had to always check I locked the door twice, had to submit my academic work at an even time. I can trace habits and routines from my OCD into every aspect of my life since I was a little girl. 

I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to hide and ignore my compulsive routines, especially when I went into higher education, naively thinking and praying that one day my OCD would go away on its own. 

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The Abuse of Power in Academia: Consequences for Mental Health by Alex Mendelsohn

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“I’m thinking of leaving academia,” a friend tells me. “I’m pretty sick and tired of all the political games”. This should have been shocking news. He was the type of person that seemed perfectly suited to being an astrophysicist. I never foresaw him doing anything else.

I wasn’t surprised though. In my time as a PhD student, I heard countless episodes of political game-playing by postdocs and academics. For example, my housemate (a PhD student in the biological sciences), would frequently come to me with a new story about how his supervisor would attempt to use any leverage available to make him do work to advance the supervisor’s own career instead of my housemate’s PhD. “We are just pawns on a chess board to them.” he would often say. 

He meant this figuratively. He didn’t realise academics sometimes literally use students as pseudo chess pieces. When I needed to change offices due to a couple of toxic colleagues, I found that the process was a prolonged one. Most of the academics recognised that a desk, occupied or not, was a status symbol. The more desks each academic presided over, the higher their status. It was like some sort of weird conglomerate of empires. Giving up an empty desk space meant losing “territory”. My supervisor, despite thinking this was dumb, had to negotiate a PhD student “swap” with another research group. 

Before I started my PhD, I saw academics as mature, upstanding members of society. It was certainly a shock to the system to discover that, on occasion, some academics acted like toddlers in a sandpit squabbling over who has the better sandcastle. In these power struggles, PhD students are the spades – tools to be used by academics which can be disposed of at any moment, once they have served their purpose.

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Alone With My Anxiety: The Isolation of Doing a PhD Whilst Suffering With Anxiety by Isabelle Berrow 

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I believe that I have spent my whole life anxious. As long as I can remember, I have worried about things that other children did not. I was scared of getting hurt, getting muddy, trying new things out, of a fear of failure. I always felt different from the others. 

Whenever I voiced these concerns I was told ‘Don’t be silly’ or ‘You’re no fun to be around’. As a little girl, these comments were extremely damaging to how I viewed the anxiety within me. I was ashamed, appalled and determined to not let anyone know how I was truly feeling. 

So I spent my whole childhood, my teenage years and even into my 20s pretending I was somebody else. 

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My Academic Career with Psychosis and Depression by Anonymous

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I’m on the train to France, where I’m working as a postdoc in mathematics. We are in the second year of the COVID-19 pandemic, and masks are mandatory, as well as filling out forms in French for every journey. My thoughts are racing. I have the feeling that I cannot finish my thoughts, similar to when one is trying to tell a story, but loses oneself in subordinate clauses and never finishes the original sentence or plot line.

As my thoughts speed up, I feel like I’m suffocating in my mask. 

Wait – people with severe COVID have that feeling too – maybe it’s that? Then I have to find a hospital here in France, and I only speak very little French – when I’m home I will immediately do a COVID test – but it’s also very likely that this is because of the upcoming psychosis – I haven’t been able to sleep normally for a week now.

Now I see there are police on the train. I panic. 

They are certainly here for me. I’ve probably made a mistake in the forms I filled out with help of Google Translate. They are going to arrest me and put me in jail – only to transfer me to a psychiatric hospital where they will force me to take Haldol (or just give me a jab with it), which will make my head hazy – doing math will be impossible for many months, my career will be over, my life will be over – and make me move like in an advanced stage of Parkinson’s. 

At this point I can only cry. They are walking by once again. I message a friend back home that I’m going to be arrested and my worst nightmare will come true.

When I arrive at my apartment in France, I immediately take a rapid test. Negative. That means the tightness in my chest is panic, not Covid. I take a Lorazepam tablet and slowly the tightness dissolves. I lie on my bed for 20 minutes, and I stop crying. Then I have to go to the meeting with my postdoc supervisor. I do my best to survive the meeting… my head is still racing yet numbed by the Lorazepam at the same time… I didn’t make any progress on my project (already for weeks now)… 

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Completing a PhD whilst Getting Diagnosed with a Serious Mental Illness by Jack Birch

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TW: Suicidal ideation

Completing a PhD is often a time of academic and personal discovery. In spending so much time thinking about your subject, it seems only natural that people think about who they are as a person and if this has changed over time. 

What did this look like for me? 

Well, there’s things like my accent changing, and feeling a loss of ‘who am I?’. This was a natural occurrence during my PhD due to living in a different region, but in my earlier university education, I’d deliberately softened my accent due to being made to feel like an outsider. There’s also new cultures, hobbies, foods, and music that I’ve had the privilege of exploring and enjoying. But the biggest thing I look back on is that, whilst completing my PhD, I was also going through the process of having been diagnosed with – and subsequently managing – a serious mental illness. 

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder halfway through my PhD. It’s an illness that has a wide range of symptoms and presentations. For me, it presents as extremely intense emotions and frequent suicidal thoughts and ideation, which is quite a lot to deal with alongside doing a PhD! With the huge benefit of hindsight, in this blog I’ll reflect on how the stages of me being diagnosed with, and managing, a serious mental illness interacted with completing a PhD. 

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