The American Psychological Association define perfectionism as ‘the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation’. If you take a look at my school reports from when I was a child, you’ll likely notice a common theme. Time and time again, my conscientiousness and perfectionism were highlighted as commendable traits – in fact, it’s hard to look through my reports and not find the word ‘conscientious’ repeated throughout. The standards I set myself were always much higher than those that I expected of others, I was not happy with ‘good enough’, I wanted to excel. Rightly or wrongly we often get pigeonholed as a certain ‘type’ of student at school. I was a ‘good’ kid, always polite, hardworking, and reliably consistent. When you hear these things often enough, you start to take it in as your own identity.
Read More »Month: June 2023
Rediscovering Me: My Journey to Adult ADHD Diagnosis by Zoë Ayres
TW suicide
I don’t think I have ever written from a place of genuine anger before. But I am full of rage. Not the sort of anger that causes you to lash out, that strikes a blow, but the type that quietly simmers and boils until you can no longer ignore it, because if you do, it’ll bubble over and hurt you and everyone else in close proximity. But this is where being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) at the age of 31 leaves me. An angry person: angry at society, angry at medical misogyny, but mostly angry that it took me so long to get here.
But here I am, nonetheless.
For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Zoë. I have lived with ADHD for 32 years. I have lived with ADHD, knowingly, for just six months. Suspected? Around 2 years. Externally, I am “highly successful” (someone else’s words, not mine). Internally I’ve gone through periods of self-loathing so intense I wanted to die. I didn’t believe I belonged in academia (or the world for that matter) and struggled to understand why. This is perhaps why I am so very angry: if things had panned out slightly differently, would I be here writing this blog at all?
But here I am, nonetheless.
Read More »Sexual Harassment: A Corrosive Disease by Anonymous
TW: Suicidal ideation
I am in my mentor’s office on a cold, rainy Friday afternoon before the holiday break. Tears are pouring down my face. I am unable to think straight and cannot tell right from wrong. A chill runs down my spine and I realise it has become impossible to do research. I am overwhelmed with dread at the thought of spending another year in my thesis lab, and writing a dissertation feels unimaginable. I feel trapped, isolated, and unwelcome, and suicidal thoughts have crept into my head. Over time, I have lost my purpose and wanted to quit science. I hit rock bottom. Sexual harassment has taken a heavy toll on me.
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Voices of Academia 